


I can't

by Allalabeth



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band), Tenimyu RPF
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2013-10-22
Packaged: 2017-12-30 04:02:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allalabeth/pseuds/Allalabeth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Okay, Bakanishi!' Ryo's voice is low and sweet and sympathetic and a bit amused. 'You know us. We are the Akanishi Gundam! We're going down with you, not hating you.'</p><p>'You are?'</p><p>'Yeah, we are, Bakanishi. We're here right?'</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Faire_Estela](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Faire_Estela).



> First thing I have ever written in English. It was way worse before Faire_Estela, the other soul subjected to The Akanishi Gundam Challenge, looked it up for me. 
> 
> It's obvious English is not my first language but re-writing it would beat the purpose of remembering where I used to be and where I am now.

**I can't**

Some days, Shirota Yuu wants nothing more than to stay a few hours in bed, drifting in his dreams-not-really-dreams. He resorts time and time again to a dream in which he is in the Dome, singing for thousands of people who scream his name. After that, he always wakes up full of energy and works harder. It's his favorite dream, his goal, and one day he will sing his own songs for sure. Maybe not at the Dome, but somewhere, someday.

For now, he works in television series, stages and musicals. He hangs out with his friends and he has his girls. Life is fine. More or less. For now.

The first thing that turns out wrong is, unsurprisingly, Jin.

In fact, it's always Jin. Akanishi Jin, idol, singer and actor. The one who has everything Shirota has ever wanted. And beyond all that, his friend Akanishi Jin. The one who was going to stay in the United States for months.

******

'So I was shopping, right? Well, you know people say I have a rather particular fashion sense, and I don't really know why because I've always thought purple and red and orange is a cool combination. So, I was walking and I saw them. The most beautiful pair of jeans you could ever imagine. They were perfect. Really perfect. A really awesome pair of jeans with a little touch of vint...'

'U-kun, cut the crap. Why should I care how your fucking jeans looked like?'

'Wait, wait!' Shirota shifts towards Nishikido but centers his gaze in Yamashita 'So, when I was falling in love with the jeans, I met Kamenashi!'

'Kamenashi?'

'Yeah, he was with Tanaka-kun.'

'Koki?'

'Yeah.'

They stop laughing. Shirota understands why and now that he is not thinking about The Jeans he reads the exasperation in Ryo's frown and notices the tiredness in Pi's face. He can think about it -and he knows they can't- because he doesn't have to work as a Johnny nor to see a KAT-TUN of five members. He believes Pi hates Jin a little for leaving his group. Shirota understands it. Pi is the only one of them without a group. Ryo-chan still has Kanjani8 but Yamashita Tomohisa has no group.

Sometimes, Shirota is grateful for not working with them and for their agency.

Well, he obviously knows he would be better known if he were a Johnny boy. As it is, he has to work harder than they do for a smaller recognition, and he is at least a dozen levels below a member of KAT-TUN or NEWS.

But (and there is a gigantic but) he would have to face Kamenashi and Tanaka-kun on daily basis and he thinks once is more than his loyalty to Jin allows.

It is not like Kamenashi is cheating on Jin, though. Jin was the one who suddenly woke up one day and announced he was going to Los Angeles. Nobody knows why. Not Shirota, at least, and he supposes Ryo and Pi don't know either. He isn't certain -you can never be completely sure with those three- but he is confident he is guessing right.

'Koki is a good guy' Pi says. 'Kame lives in his own world but if he ever comes out of it he will be a great guy too.'

'If you say Ueda too I'm going to kill you very slowly.'

Shirota smiles, Ryo smirks and Pi laughs, and they start to watch Dead Reckoning.

******

Shirota is the first person to know about Zukki and Arayan being together. They invite him to eat under blossoming sakura trees and they ask for his advice. Shirota stares at them, not knowing what to say. He is glad for them. He has always known they have something but he has also always known that both of them like Adachi and... well, Inui is not to step between the Golden Pair.

'Do Yuyan and Yanagi know?' he asks, because they are clearly a wiser option for that sort of advice.

'Not yet. We wanted to tell you first.'

Shirota wants to know why. He has never had a relationship with a co-worker. His thing with Aiba-chan was not a relationship, anyway. It was one fucking brilliant fuck the night they graduated from Tenimyu but... He keeps telling himself that it happened because he wanted to fulfill one of the doujinshi Jin gave him as a joke present when he started on his role of Tezuka Kunimitsu. Besides, Fuji was his favorite character.

'You're our leader.' explains Arayan 'Yanagi and Yuyan gave you that honor, and, you know? You have this big brother aura with all of us.'

'Big brother?'

When Arayan starts to laugh and Zukki looks at him as if he is the most beautiful of gods, Shirota feels a bit jealous. He wonders if that look is what moves people to marry. Has he ever liked anyone so much?

'You looked at Aibachi as if he was fascinating, long ago.' 

For a moment, Shirota thinks he has spoken out load but he realizes he has not. He looks at Zukki and sighs, not sure he wants to know what he is talking about.

'Yanagi and Konii always said you never paid attention to your feelings back then.'

'I never had feelings for Aiba-chan.'

'Oh, Shirotan, you did. It doesn't matter now, but back then you even called him pretty.'

'Well, he is.' Shirota tries to defend himself unable to hide the blush in his cheeks. 'And he is a great dancer too.'

'You know? All of us saw your best friends' dancing skills. And as much I love Aibachi, Yamashita-san and Akanishi-san dance a million times better.' Arayan smiles softly, like whenever he feels he is the only adult in the room. 'Not only that, they probably are a hundred times better than him in everything.'

'They are?' he asks, not wanting to be someone special because of his friends. Not that way. That's the reason why he doesn't like telling who he is friends with.

'I don't know them.' Arayan shrugs and sighs. 

Shirota's phone starts to sing _La Cucaracha_ at that point and he is grateful of Pi's ability to fuck him up whenever he is with other people.

'What's up?'

'Jin is home.' Pi's voice is serious. 'Where do you want me to pick you up?'

He gives him the proper directions and hangs, not waiting for an explanation. He knows he has to meet with Jin. Jin owns them a reason and they have waited six months for it. 

'I'm sorry, sorry, sorry!' he apologies vehemently to Arayan and Zukki 'I have to go but tomorrow you're coming to my house to eat. I'll prepare you an omelette. It's my mother's recipe. I'm so sorry.'

'No problem at all!' Zukki assures him smiling. 'See you tomorrow!'

Shirota starts to walk away from them. Suddenly, though, he stops, shifts and gives them one of his most sincere and brightest smiles.

'I'm really happy for you!' he shouts before leaving.

******

He can't see his friends as much as he would like. The end of 2007 is full of work for all of them; even Jin has a drama. Shirota is happy. He likes his work and he likes seeing Pi, Ryo and Jin in new roles, singing and attending television programs his brother Jun or his mother always record for him. He spends his free time watching stuff about them, proud of how well they are doing.

Ryo-chan's birthday comes before Shirota realizes that they are in November and that in a month he will be 22. All of them save a night for themselves and for Ryo. Yamapi is the one who invites people, Jin chooses the bar and Shirota is in charge of buying Ryo's favorite cake. Jun arrives with hot girls –that is, the kind of girls they fuck- and George, the last addition to the group, brings some joints.

'I fucking hate Taguchi!' Jin complains while they are in the car.

'Taguchi? As in KAT-TUN's Taguchi?' George asks before he moves forward to pass Jin the spliff.

'I like his dajare.' Shirota adds softly. He is the one driving and the one who will not start smoking until they're safely in their destination.

'That's fucking crap, U-kun. Fuckiiiing craaaaap.' 

'You say so because you are iiidiooooooott.' Jun starts laughing and Shirota knows Jin is pouting and maybe he shouldn't feel so funny because his brain is trying to tell him his brother's laugh, Jin's pout and George's confusion are not really that amazing and he should at least open a window because, well, isn't there too much smoke inside the car? 'Bakanishi is here to save the world from Taguchi's dajare which he can't understand!' Jun continues when he can stop laughing.

'Guys. I'm serious here.' Jin insists and gesticulates exceedingly to make his point more clear. 'Just the other day, he was happy in a bride dress! Can you believe it? Fucking Taguchi let Yokoyama touch him and say “Your skin is really smooth. It's better than mine”! How dare he?'

'How dare he what, Jin?' Shirota asks feeling lost in Jin's logic.

'Let Yokoyama fucking touch him!' Jin shouts.

'Bakanishi is jealous!' Jun laughs again, too high to care if Jin's being serious or not. Shirota frowns.

'I'm not fucking jealous! Taguchi is supposed to be with Kame! How dare he? How the fucking hell dare he? Nobody cheats on Kame!'

'They are not together.' Shirota says softly. Jin stops his wild gestures and looks at him as if the world just stopped moving. Shirota sees him grab the safety handle as if trying not to fall. 'Kamenashi is not with Taguchi-kun.'

'How do you know?'

'I know. Pi and Ryo know too. Ryo-chan said Taguchi and Yokoyama are fucking since Okura's birthday in May.' 

'What the hell?'

'Ask him. But Kamenashi is not someone who would fuck Taguchi.'

After that, Jin smokes in silence and Shirota keeps driving, not interested in Jun's and George's dissertation about whether Charmander is a better Pokemon than Pikachu. He parks near the bar and is the last one of them to go inside.

He sits with Pi and Ryo. There are a lot of people he has never met in person, but whom he knows are in Johnny's with his friends. He keeps an eye on Jin, who talks to Pi for a second, frowns, and then searches in the crowd for someone. Shirota sees his face lighting before Jin starts moving towards a guy he thinks is Yokoyama.

'What the hell is wrong with Jin?' Pi asks standing beside him.

'I told him about Taguchi and Yokoyama.'

'What?! Why did you do that?!' exclaims Pi so loud that Ryo hears them. Shirota waits until the birthday boy is between him and Pi to end his explanation.

'He thought Taguchi was fucking Kamenashi.' Shirota speaks fast and as low as he is able to. 'He could fuck up his work for something like that.'

'He wouldn't do that.' 

'He would, Tomo-chan.' Ryo says before Shirota can even open his mouth. 'When you and Kamenashi started the Nobuta project he almost fucked our friendship up. And it was you. It's not like I care whether Taguchi and Kamenashi fuck or not, but I care about Jin's work more than he does. All of us care about his work far more than he does.'

'He'll do it anyway. Kamenashi is with Koki.'

'Yeah.' Ryo rolls his eyes and Shirota has a revelation about them. Pi and Ryo are like an old couple. Shirota smiles. 'Like Koki will let Jin do anything like that. They started bickering when they were fifteen, and they keep on going at it whenever they have the opportunity. Koki isn't Taguchi. Like hell will he be intimidated.'

Pi sighs and lets them see his tiredness reflected on his face again. Ryo inches closer to Yamapi instinctively, as if he wants to erase his problems. Shirota feels worried, except that now he's not only worried for Jin but for Pi too because Pi is more mature than Jin, and the six months in LA made them grow up much more than Jin did. He doesn't know how he can help and, sometimes, he thinks he is the only one troubled about that because George, Jun and Jin, the ones with more free time, only seem concerned about having a good time. 

'Oi Yamapi!' Tegoshi calls from near the door. 'Maki is here and she is asking for you!' he shouts.

'I'm coming!' Pi dons his public mask once again and Ryo shifts and Shirota can't stop a stab of pain and sadness. 'Keep an eye on Jin.'

'Hey, birthday boy!' someone calls from the back. 'Come here and sing something! Is this a party or what?'

'Fucking hell!' Ryo whispers. 'Yeah, yeah!' he shouts to nobody in particular. 'God! Who invited Uehara? I fucked her a few times already! That's more than enough for a bitch like her. Do you want her? I can introduce you.'

'No thanks. I'm working on Kitagawa.'

'Haven't you fucked her already?'

'Yeah, but you know. I don't want her angry with me. God knows what her parents can do to my career.'

'They did nothing to Matsumoto.'

'I can't compare to the best their agency has to offer and I don't have the kind of money Matsumoto does.'

'Birthday boy!'

'I'm going, okay? I'm going!' 

Hours later, Shirota is on a random chair shouting _Antes muerta que sencilla_ and _Keep the faith_ lyrics, a bit tipsy and doing a duet with Ryo, who stands on another chair, singing with him and making the few people still there roll of with laughter thanks to his Spanish. Yamapi is in a dark corner, kissing Tegoshi madly now that neither Maki nor Massu are here. At a certain point Ryo trips on the chair and Shirota jumps and tries to catch him. They end up on the floor, laughing, and they can't stand up until their fifth attempt.

'God, I want Pi to fuck me now.' Ryo says determined and walks to the corner. He whispers something Shirota will never want to know about in Tegoshi's ear and all of a sudden Tegoshi is walking towards him. He stops in front of Shirota and looks at him through long impossibly feminine eyelashes.

'I wanna fuck.' he says, voice low and sensual. Shirota looks at him and gulps. 'Ryo said you would fuck me now that they are busy.'

'Yuu!' he hears his brother. 'Oi Yuu, come here! Jin's sick.'

Shirota leaves Tegoshi where he stands, pouting, and walks over to where his brother, George and Jin have spent all night doing drugs. He's somewhat glad because Tegoshi, the little whore, frightens him a bit.

Jin is puking all over the sofa.

'Shit,' Shirota swears, holding him as best as he can. 'Come on, Jin.' he turns to George and his brother and sees Tegoshi looking at Ryo and Pi in the corner. 'Jun, go stop Tegoshi. Why is he here? Call a cab for him or fuck him or whatever the hell you want to do. George, bring me some water for Jin.' he commands, still holding Jin firmly. 'Fucking light.' he swears. He is not sure whether Jin has puked over his t-shirt too. If that's the case, he should give him his shirt and clean him a bit. They can't go home like this. Kitagawa had said there were a few paparazzi outside. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck.'

Jin stops and Shirota sighs. He knows that if Ryo and Pi were with him they would help, but he is not going to interrupt them. They fuck -each other, that is- far less than Shirota would like; they are best friends who only do it when they're really drunk and really in the mood for it. Nd anyways, he can take care of Jin alone. 

George arrives with two bottles of water. Shirota forces Jin to stand up and looks at his eyes, searching for a spark of consciousness. Jin is awake but, for a moment, his empty eyes scare the hell out of him. 'George,' Shirota says, 'help me carry him to the toilet.'

When they arrive Shirota can see Jin's ruined t-shirt and asks George to go for his spare shirt, the one he keeps in the trunk of his car.

'Oi Jin, talk to me,' he demands while he cleans Jin's face and hair softly. 'Open your mouth.'

'What the fuck do you want me to talk about?' Jin asks, his sober voice surprising Shirota. 

'Anything. I can talk if you want. I've bought the _Rikkai Second Service DVD_ and I'm planning to watch it tomorrow, you can come. It's Aibachi's graduation. Do you have plans for tomorrow?'

'Like hell I'd go see some shit with that fucking whore,' Jin answers and Shirota stiffens because he can't stand people talking shit about his friends. Not even if it's Jin who talks. 'I've told you he's only lasted so long because he's fucking the director.'

'U-kun is not the only one who loves anorexic boys around here, Akanishi.' 

Ryo's voice and Pi's hand on his shoulder calm Shirota down enough to continue cleaning Jin and realize that Ryo said love, and maybe Shirota really loved Aiba. But that is not a thought for this situation.

'Kame hates me.' Jin spits full of anger. 'Apparently he's not fucking Taguchi, but he keeps on arguing with me.'

'Kame doesn't hate you.' Shirota assures him although he doesn't actually know. 'He's just busy. Give him time.'

'Fuck time.'

'Jin.'

Pi's warning is what Jin needs to drop his attitude.

'I miss him so much, Pi. So much. I'm gonna end making you hate me too, and then nothing in life will make sense anymore.'

'Okay, Bakanishi!' Ryo's voice is low and sweet and sympathetic and a bit amused. 'You know us. We are the Akanishi Gundam! We're going down with you, not hating you.'

'You are?'

'Yeah, we are, Bakanishi. We're here right?'

'I love you, guys.'

George arrives and hands Pi Shirota's shirt. Now, Jin laughs and keeps saying that Ryo's hands are tickling him and that Pi's are hot and that Shirota's cold and that life is fun and the Akanishi Gundam the fucking best team in the fucking world.

Shirota smiles and wonders how Jin can be a bastard one second and the loveliest person in the whole world the next.

******

It's a summer night with good weather but it's also Shirota's day off and he is tired, so he says no to Yuyan's offer to go to the movies and to Jun's plan to go to a concert. He goes early to bed, but when an hour passes by and he's still awake he gives up and changes his bed for the sofa.

He takes the DVD Araki lent him days ago and starts watching _Cafe Daikanyama_. Fifteen minutes into the movie he's bored and skips to the making of. He's only watching it because his generation of Tenimyu D-Boys watched it and insisted he should keep an eye in what his old team does nowadays. When Aiba and Baba's declaration skit ends, he turns off the DVD. He's feeling uneasy and that's not supposed to happen. He starts to think that, maybe, Araki and Zukki were right. He doesn't like it. Not now that he has just watched something that perhaps is mere fanservice (they all do it) or perhaps is what it seems: Aibachi and Baba fucking each other.

He doesn't have time for that. No time to feel and no time to wonder if he has ever been infatuated with Aiba for real. He shuffles through several channels before he finds Cartoon KAT-TUN.

'What the hell?' he asks out loud when he sees Jin on a rail almost hugging Taguchi, the same guy he said he hated months ago. He ignores the plot -something about Nakamaru not being able to jump- and looks closely at Jin and Taguchi. 'Fucking hell!' he shouts when Taguchi is looking towards where Kame is now encouraging Nakamaru to jump and Jin, not on the rail anymore but still too close to Taguchi, stares at his band mate with a look Shirota has only ever seen directed to Kame. 'What the fuck...' he mutters again.

He wonders what's up with Jin. He had to be high. Or maybe Shirota is asleep and Aibachi with Baba is also a dream. But he knows he's not sleeping; his body is too tired and his mind too confused. He texts Pi and Ryo asking them what the hell is Jin up to with Taguchi.

He falls asleep in the sofa before they answer.

******

'Hi, Kamenashi!' Shirota says smiling brightly. For the first time in years, Jin brings Kame with him. Shirota and Kame sit on a table while Jin, George, Pi and Jun are at the bar, talking about how much pot they plan to buy for the week. Shirota has always liked Kame, and he is glad to see the relief of being accepted on Kame's face.

'Hello, Shirota-san,' his voice is mild and his smile trembles a little. Shirota wants to pat his head and hug him. Never before has thought about Kamenashi Kazuya as a shy and insecure boy but now he does, it makes a lot of sense.

'Don't call me Shirota-san!' he exclaims, friendly. 'I'm only a few months older than you and far less mature. U-kun or Shirotan are better.'

'Shirotan, then.'

'Good. You were fantastic in the concert I went to see! I liked your solo, it's a good song.'

'Thank you.' Kame smiles and his back relaxes marginally. 'Jin has told me you helped him with his lyrics. Your English must be really good.'

'Not anything out of the ordinary. Jin believes otherwise, but it's not that great.'

'Well, my singing isn't out of the ordinary either.'

'It is. And it's not only your voice. It seems you like being on stage - that's what really moves me. Jin should work to reach your level.'

'If Bakanishi hears you he's gonna be furious. And then, when his enormous ego kills you, I'll refuse to praise him to save your life. I will have to coerce Pi to do it. The things I do for love.'

'Thanks, Ryo-chan. I love you too.'

Ryo sits with them and they talk, Shirota making sure that Kamenashi feels accepted. Some hot chicks arrive a while later, and they already drunk and high and it doesn't matter who chose to fuck who because the girls don't matter at all to them. They never do.

******

'Shirotan?'

Shirota is not paying attention to the surprised voice. He is thinking again about the whore George was in love with, the one that sold his friend. 

The Akanishi Gundam are fucked up now. Even Kame is. Shirota knows the full story behind the night the press keeps on gossiping about; he knows Kame was trying to escape the calls from Tanaka-kun and ended drunk and high as a last resort, and there was where the taxi driver appeared. Kame suspected Jin had done something to Taguchi, and Shirota had been the one person Kame had chosen to trust with his plans to make Tanaka-kun save Taguchi from Jin.

But Jin isn't as stupid as everybody thinks he is, and Shirota feels that Kame trying to protect people from Jin using himself as shield is what caused Jin to start this whole chaos they're in.

He envies Ryo. Ryo is the only one whose manager hasn't mentioned about the zombie rings under the eyes they all share. Shirota's mother is angry with him and his brother; she has shouted at them for being irresponsible idiots. The worst part of it all is that Shirota understands her. 

It is tough to stop going out with Jin. Shirota knows he can't do it. It will be easier for him to go to a church, pray and wait. He's leading him down, he's leading them down, but he is Akanishi Jin and not even Pi can say no when he acts like the boy he once was. They love him. They can't see him destroy himself and step aside because, well, Ryo said it once: the Akanishi Gundam will go down to hell if Jin goes there. 

And how can he say his life is not okay? Professionally he has never had a better moment. He misses Yanagi and Yuyan but his acting is starting to be recognized. He can't complain. He works on photo shoots that make magazine covers, and extensive articles inside.

'Shirota-san?'

He looks up. Aiba is there. In the flesh. Dressed in blue and smiling and Shirota thinks he smells of peach and honey (one of his girls used a soap that smelt of peach and honey and he can exactly remember the essence).

'Aiba-chan!' he answers when the surprise he feels allows him to. Aiba approaches him and hugs tight. He takes advantage of it and smells Aiba's hair and touches his skin, smoother than what he remembered.

'I saw you the other day on TV,' Aiba says as he releases him. 'You were amazing!'

'Thank you. You're my favorite sentai blue ever.'

'You're watching it?' Aiba says before laughing, exuding happiness everywhere.

'Aiba-san, please come here!' shouts someone from the magazine. Aiba's smile declines before he looks again into Shirota's eyes.

'I have nothing to do after the shoot,' he says. 'If you have time, why don't we eat together?'

Shirota is free for the rest of the afternoon. He plans to go with Jin to Pi's house for dinner, but he wants to spend that time smiling and carefree and talking about irrelevant stuff and kissing and doing things with his Aibachi. It's only that now that he knows that he loved him somehow he is not sure he can see Aiba once and then let go. And if he can't let go, Aiba will start to spend time with them.

Shirota can't let him see what he is with them. He wants Aibachi to remember him as he was when they met. He isn't Jin. He can't lead someone he loved -someone he could still love- to his ruin.

He shakes his head sadly.

'Sorry. I can't.'


End file.
